About vickyloves

When I grow up, I want to be a little girl. -VEEZYLOVES.

Day 25 of no food.

Day 25 of no food. Her water intake is slowly decreasing as well. We’ve been at this for 3.5 months. I wish there was some sort of manual to read on how to care for your dying mom. 
In the beginning it was mostly running around and doing what she asked. Then it was learning how to bathe her, wash her hair, feed her, change her, properly give her meds. The firsts for all of those were so scary and daunting when I look back. We had no idea how to do anything. Even washing her hair took a few tries to get it finally right. How do you wash someone’s hair that’s lying down without moving them!?? All the while making sure nothing got wet on the bed? We learned quickly how to do all of those things listed efficiently. If you had asked me then what i was doing I would’ve told u, “I don’t fucking know!” But bit by bit we all got the hang of it. Even changing her diaper wasn’t so scary anymore. I remember asking Brandon how I was gonna get through this and he said, “you’ll find a way.” After weeks and weeks, nothing seemed to scare us anymore. From her anxiety attacks to cleaning her sores (considering we couldn’t move her at all, the doctors were amazed we didn’t have more). When it seemed like we finally got the hang of things, 3 months passed by.

The last few weeks have been the saddest. My mom isn’t my mom anymore. At least before she could talk, get mad, show emotion, request her favorite foods, tell us she loved us. Now she lies here waiting for her day. 

I used to think we were so lucky to have time to say goodbye.. But the more I think about it, the more I feel shafted for having to see my mom slowly die. It’s a toss up. I don’t know what’s worse. Not being able to say goodbye & have her leave quickly or having months to prepare and watch her slowly slip? 

We’ve had months to prepare us for what’s coming but it feels like this time hasn’t helped one tiny bit. There are times when a wave of fear washes over me when I think of life without my mom. I feel like I can’t breathe. Tears come at me so quickly as though I wasn’t given any warning of her leaving us. I have no idea where the time has gone. What felt like an eternity now seems like it’s gone by in a flash.

I wish we had more time but at the same time I wish she didn’t have to suffer like this. I want her here, but not like this. 

Taxes

It’s been so long since I’ve used Vickyloves as an outlet but there’s no better time to get stuff off my chest than now.

I used to be the type to see an inspirational quote and just “get it.” I understood what it was to be happy & now… Well, now I completely feel blindsided.

When Maja first got sick, it was a matter of when she’d get better. The thought of her not making it never crossed my mind. What you don’t know about my family is that we get through everything. Every bad we’ve gone through has been the biggest sling shot to something better, well in my opinion anyways. Fast forward to her second round of cancer.. There was doubt, fear but ultimately we felt all certain, regardless of what the doctors said, that she’d come out okay.

It’s been almost 3 months since she’s been home, sick & confined to the bed. And it’s been 3 months since I felt any optimism. I am so angry. I am SO angry. Bad things happen to bad people. They don’t happen to good people. I might be going to hell for saying this but I can name a dozen people who deserve to be in her position. But not my mom, not MY mom.

I think that’s the hardest thing to wrap my head around. Everyone keeps saying dumb fuck shit like “everything happens for a reason,” blah blah blah and don’t get me wrong. I used to be one of those too. But now I can’t stand any of that crap. I can’t stand anyone justifying what my mom is going through. I can’t stand trying to make sense of it bc it really doesn’t make any sense.

For weeks I was looking for something to make sense. Anything at all. Then when I needed it most, I read something that didn’t make me feel as lost. All the questions of “why her?” almost consumed my head until a simple explanation. Perhaps not a complete explanation but something to hold me over.

“You can’t ask for the extraordinary and then complain about what’s ‘fair’ …That’s the tax of being special.”

Sometimes the bad in life is like a tax you pay for having such a good life. Does that make sense? My mom has had such a fulfilling life. She’s loved by sooooo many and even she has admitted her life has been so wonderful, even with all the “taxes” she’s been through (refugee hardships, losing loved ones, life’s roller coasters).

But it clicked. The suffering she’s been through the last 3 months cannot be justified but perhaps a tax for living a full life like she did. Honestly that’s the only way I can explain what’s going on without wanting to put a gun to my head.

I held on to this info for awhile, trying to absorb it. I finally got to share it with my mom a few weeks ago. We were having a good mother daughter chat and I finally told her this piece of wisdom I had stumbled upon. She listened, and then she agreed. It made sense to her. Maybe she found some comfort in it too, who knows.

Cancun 2014

Perfection. This pretty much sums up my Cancun vacation with family and friends celebrating the union of my cousin Dave and his new wifey, Carly! It was so much fun, I really don’t know how to describe it. From start to finish I wouldn’t have changed a thing (maybe the lost luggage part, but shit happens!).

We literally spent all week swimming, eating, napping, eating, rinse and repeat. It was so nice to spend time with family without the hassle of everyday life. It kind of helps when you’re at a beautiful 5 star resort hehe.

So I spent all week taking photos of my nephew you gotta give me some credit for holding back on posting all of them lol.

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Have a wonderful day!

Home Decor Inspiration

Sorry for being a little late on the home décor post. It was so beautiful this past weekend I couldn’t pass up the chance of ice cream by the beach, cat naps and hanging with my boos:)

I’ve been low on content lately, call it writer’s block.. call it a lack of motivation, but don’t call it slacking – my mind has been working overtime lately! If only I could put it into words and share it with you. it just feels like I’m running out of time to do all the things I love to do. Honeydrip is set to relaunch this summer (very eggciting) so there’s lots of planning and work happening with that. CHRIS+OPHER has been so much fun, every time I send a package out I get a high that’s incomparable! It’s taught me a lot about social media, I’m learning every day. There’s also a few projects in the works but I won’t share until they’re in a more mature stage. But yes, that is me in a nutshell. Figuring out every day how to do what I love and turn it into profitable business! There is so much more failing I need to do before succeeding, wish me luck!

Whenever I have a moment of 2 of downtime, my latest obsession has been home décor. B and I are doing an apt make over this Fall and the idea box is flowing! I’m going to spend the summer thinking about what I want and then hopefully by Fall I’ll be 100% confident of the wall paper, paint colors, furniture etc. We’re choosing to re-do the apt later in the year because not only is my schedule busy, but B’s as well. He recently took a leap of faith and I couldn’t be happier for him. There’s been a lot of growing these last few weeks and we cannot thank you everyone enough for the support! We realized there are 2 types of supporters, the ones that pat you on the back, wish you well but never leave the sidelines to help push you. And the other type are the ones that wish you well and actually mean it – those are the people we are most thankful for. Thank you, thank you!

Okay enough of that – let’s enter my home décor brain for a moment and just indulge in these images!

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My latest décor inspiration. Do we love!? Can’t wait to show you our apt as we work on it. Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day!

My Current State of Mind…

  • I’m an advocate for going after what you want, I won’t make or listen to any excuses for anyone or anything. With that being said, I am my own biggest obstacle.
  • The Heather dress is a must have. Get yours before they sell out!
  • Fair-weather friends are plentiful, I don’t have the time or patience for those types of people. Thank goodness my low tolerance allows for a fast recovery from bad tasting friendships.
  • I’ve had avocado on toast for the last 7 days, it’s my current obsession and I can’t stop!
  • When it comes to a healthy relationship, it’s either you have one or you don’t – there’s no in-between. Don’t fool yourself.
  • 5 days left of my TinyTea “teatox,” I feel the same and all it’s done is increase my poutine cravings lol.
  • Nothing is promised in life, do what makes you happy. Fuck everyone else.
  • The answer is always no if you don’t ask.
  • “Stop the glorification of BUSY.” My cousin posted that on her Instagram and I couldn’t agree more. Why do people associate busy with doing well? is there quality in your busy-ness? I always try to make an effort to slow down and face time my nephew, have long hugs with my boyfriend, and savor the meals/conversations at my parents’ place. Being busy don’t mean shit!
  • I have the best girlfriends, every time we link up I feel like my love tank gets filled. I feel for women that don’t have close genuine female bonds, there’s nothing comparable to a love like that.
  • Miss my sister, like a lot.
  • Finally have my LinkedIn profile up!!! How eggciting.
  • I’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid for my dear friend Cat (my first time!), it’s such an honor.  Words just can’t describe it!
  • Every day is a beautiful struggle.

Be back shortly, xo.

Moving on up, and out.

I’m back like cooked crack, y’all!!

Ah, the follow up email to what seemed like a comeback! Honestly, I really am going to make an effort to write more – mostly for myself, because lord knows if I kept all these thoughts in my head I’d end up in the looney bin.

First off, happy (Asian) new year to my fellow peeps! New year… NEW HOME. I know, kind of crack head cray cray but I’m officially moved in full time with my boo thang. Game changer, no doubt. But gosh, who would’ve thought, a fat awkward kid with more mustache than her father could one day end up being an adult, and LIVING with the boy of her dreams, no less!

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Truth be told, I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing my roomies every day, aka mom and dad. Leaving the nest was mad hard but since the move, they’ve been calling with, “do you not know where home is anymore? Have you forgotten!!?” That OG Vietnamese guilt grip is nothin’ to fuck with!! All jokes aside, I can’t trip over it – bc grocery shopping at my parents’ is LEGIT. Everything you need for FREE 99. Don’t get no better than that!! Hahaha

Besides leaving the parentals, I was mad scared because I ain’t no m’f’n Suzy Homemaker! I’m a pro at making resos, dropping off my laundry and that’s the extent of my domesticated life. With that being said, I wanted to take the time to really figure out what makes a home, a home. I didn’t want to end up resenting B for folding his clothes, or washing the dishes but along the way I’ve learnt to enjoy the process of maintaining a home plus I love taking care of my man. It may sound old school to you but fa reals, I have NO complaints! So to all you ladies that complain about picking up after your man – don’t take care of someone if you’re just going to complain about it. Do it with love, or don’t do it at all. Don’t be that whiny bitch. Well that’s what I think anyways, and obviously my opinion is the only one that matters! I kid, I kid.

Anyways, just wanted to share some new/older photos of my new living headquarters!

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Day 1: Of course we did it up with bubblay!!

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Kitchen creepin behind the pussy cruiser.

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Roomies – Gigi, our morning bathroom bouncer.

So that’s me in a current nutshell, moving on up and out. Feels good to be progressing in love and life – I preach it so best believe I’m gon live it!

Have a wonderful week, bitches. XO.